Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Redemption I


I have a paper to write, and I'm pretty unwell - but plenty of things has been bugging my mind, and perhaps, just perhaps, it would be fair to allot a bit of space and a bit of time to let a bit of it out.

Very important persons for me have left this land - for good, or so it seems. A person as close to a brother for me as is possible for an unrelated male, and his wife who has shared hugs, laughs, tears and detangled confusions with me. The departure party at the airport was more or less emotional, with tears being shed and last words said, but I have done all my crying earlier, hence the composure then.

Plenty of things has happened around. People around me have underwent sufferings, wrestled with difficult decisions, faced the tough (cruel?) facts of life, and moved on.

I was shamed to think that small things would upset me - perhaps a bit too much. Taken in context, relative to the trials faced by others around me, near and far, those that I knew of and didn't, I was further embarrassed.

Ungrateful would be one who enjoys so much fortune and comfort, yet moans when things get out of hand, when perceptions fail to be made sense of. Nevertheless, moan one did.

"I know I shouldn't, but there were times when I would fall into self-pity.."
"Then just don't."

Plain, sharp, and truthfully simple.

As he had said, this is adulthood for me - when things don't always go the way I would have liked it, when things are not easy, when I'm forced to give up external control and make up for it with internal control, which is so much more difficult, but will ultimately be rewarding.

I am rambling.

I should go get to my paper-work - before health gave way again, and hordes of painkillers would be summoned for support.


The following section is the reason why I wrote this entry in the first place.

My conscience is troubling me. I am not used to be so hard, to be - cruel, somehow.

I felt you're trying to reach out to me. I felt that you're trying to achieve some sort of 'normalcy', some kind of 'equilibrium' back.


I never hated you and never would be. I used to trust you with my life, and I still do, and would still do.

There is nothing to redeem between us. I will never apologize to you, and you don't need to do so, because there is nothing to forgive.

You have asked me to walk away, and that is what exactly I am doing, in my own way. Don't make it more difficult than this. I would like to remember only the best memories, let us not tarnish it even further by stretching an exhausted rope - lest it snaps and hits either or both of us on the face. I am not important anymore - perhaps never have been, or soon will not be. Whichever way, don't attempt to deceive either of us that it is otherwise. I am too proud to accept taking things by parts, by halves, not from someone so important to me.

In a way, I would rather have nothing.

It could have been a mistake earlier on when I tried so hard to salvage what was left. Perhaps I should have let everything die and wither off on their own then.

I hope that if I must recall, if I must remember, it will be only the good memories.

I never hated you and never would be. I used to trust you with my life, and I still do, and would still do.

I just can't bear the sight of you and remembering the promise you've broken - a promise you shouldn't have ever made anyway.

I don't know if the person intended will read what I wrote.




Cacim pokodot said...

Time heals all wounds, dibah... All the best!

Anonymous said...

oh plzzz...

kak adib..


hikmah kembara said...

salam ziarah...... :)